Remember the Date

When I was considering the exact method for divorcing my ex, there were many factors to balance. Among them, of course, was the time of year.

As a marriage matures, certain times, days, seasons and events take hold in the marriage psyche. It all starts with an anniversary. Some couples celebrate boyfriend/girlfriend anniversaries. Some couples celebrate their engagement date(s). Some couples only celebrate their wedding date. I’m sure all Mormon couples, those who are sealed at some point after their legal marriage date, celebrate their Sealing date. And if spouses aren’t endowed prior to their Sealing date, they may celebrate their endowment anniversary as well.

If you have the average 2.1 children (we’ll round down to 2), you celebrate their birthdays. Couples celebrate both spouses’ birthdays. Almost everyone celebrates Valentine’s Day. And Christmas.

Let’s stop here. The couple that celebrates everything we’ve listed so far, will celebrate 11 days throughout the year. Chances are, those days are scattered about rather evenly.

When I chose to finally commit to divorce, it was a month after Christmas. I could have waited a month, but then we would have hit Valentine’s. If I had waited another month, I would have hit my ex’s birthday. Had I waited a month beyond that, it would have been one of our children’s birthday. When exactly would have been a good time? When it’s time to move on, there is no time that completely leaves your soon-to-be ex-spouse unharmed.

You have to understand that divorce is a dramatic, emotional event. There is no “good” time. If you have made the very serious decision to leave your spouse, and have prayerfully sought guidance from your Heavenly Father, I highly encourage you to carpe diem (seize the day) and take the Spiritual support when you have it. The Lord gives you the help you need when you need it (not necessarily when you ask for it). If you don’t take the blessing of spiritual support when it’s offered, will it be there when you get around to acting? I think that dithering is kind of like throwing a blessing back in the Lord’s face. This would explain why someone can be motivated to break up, and then dither for this reason and that, and then wonder why they can’t find the right time/place/feeling to leave and a year has passed by.

It’s important not to go out of your way to hurt your ex – especially if you have children, your ex will be in your life forever. However, if you have received your Heavenly Father’s support, you have to be firm and strong in your decision and see it through to the end. You don’t have to sit and point out all their faults, and beat them down, you just have to leave. In my case, my own family members (father, aunt) decided to tell my ex everything I confided in them, so it did hurt my ex to hear the results of a few years’ venting (point being, sometimes you just can’t avoid hurting your ex). You should do everything in your power to extract yourself from the relationship without burning more bridges than necessary. It will be frustrating; it will be painful; but, in the end it will be much better for you (and the children, if there are any in the picture).

One more point – in your following relationship, don’t be afraid to have special “dates” with your new spouse. The dates didn’t cause the misery in your old relationship – they’re just land mines when you’re ending one. Embrace special dates, embrace each other, embrace special events. Make the most out of them and the most out of every precious moment with your next spouse – if you do, you will probably not have another ex.

@))>---- Bingley ----<((@