Tai Kwon Leap – Boot from the Church

I have been excommunicated. No silly quips, no talkingaround it. I’m out.

You are reading the blog of a sinner. Bingley met his Jane and needed nothing more in this world than to be with her, so we live in sin until we can be married. I never claimed to be perfect. But it is important you know the nature of the person writing in this Victorian blog.

Jane and I will be married at the earliest possible date, but the various regions of Victorian England have 2-18 month waiting periods for fulfilling divorce requests. As such, I must wait until I may be legally and lawfully wed to my Jane.

I have children. They see what I am doing. I could not pretend I am without sin, or hide it. I also need to come clean before God so that I may marry Jane with clean hands, and to ultimately be a good example to my children (the lesson? When you sin, you have to own up to it – face the music). So I went with Jane’s hand in mine, and confessed to my Bishop. He explained I would need to be judged by a disciplinary council and would face disfellowship or excommunication. Within aweek, I was confessing to my Stake President. And then this past Sunday, I went before the Disciplinary Council of my Stake and spent over an hour being peppered with questions by the 15 Judges in Israel. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disciplinary_Council for a detailed description of the process. It's painful.

I love the Gospel. I love the Church. Excommunication is the only way I can accomplish a few things: 1) release from my covenants while I amsinning; 2) a "fresh start" with my Jane from every possible perspective (we will now start our Church lives together from the bottom up); and 3) taking the punishment reserved for my offense and working my way up from there. They can’t punish me again – and when it’s through, the records will be destroyed that I ever sinned because repentance and true forgiveness are real and they are complete. It is a beautiful thing.

One interesting point – when you are excommunicated, all blessings are put in a sort of hibernation until the First Presidency approves your return to the Church and your blessings. That includes the Holy Ghost.However, the Spirit will comfort and protect you in times of need, unless your life is pushing the Spirit away. I walked out of the Council after about 90 minutes, and it was an emotional blow for sure. But I did not feel lost, dejected, destroyed, betrayed, hurt, or any other negative emotion. I felt rather even-keel. I know I will be back in the Church at the first possible moment. I know my Savior loves me. And the only way to explain my ability to take this immense event in stride, is that the Spirit has been sent to comfort me in my absolute hour of need.

My Jane, as she will explain, has been extremely worried about me. She may have been more hurt by the event than I was. This is because my Jane loves me so. She holds my heart in her hands and she is very worried that some pain will metastasize and grow into a cancer that permanently keeps me from the Celestial Kingdom.

The thing is, my testimony is stronger than ever. Each day, I pray frequently with my Jane. I pray secretly for my Jane. My Jane and I read the scriptures every day, while holding each other. We believe in the word of God, the word of His holy prophets, and we look forward to taking the steps to enjoy Eternity together. She is my True North – she always points me in the right direction. She has singlehandedly turned me toward God in the most meaningful way possible.

I love my Jane, and we will continue holding and guiding each other for Eternity. I’ll see YOU at the Temple.

What We Have Here Is A Failure To Excommunicate

I love sex and all that comes along with it. I love how it feeds my soul and clarifies every aspect of my life. It sets everything right for me. I love how closely it connects me to my lover. I love how truly loving the whole act is, and how giving it is when it’s right. I’ve been having sex since I was 16. I was hell-bent on not sleeping with Bingley and wanted to pass this impossible test of not having sex before we were married so badly.
It would have been so much easier if I were a virgin. It seems that I’m incapable of denying myself something I addictively craved. The way I put it into perspective for myself, was that I had been having sex with my ex-husband even though I knew our relationship had unfixable problems and I had been gradually falling out of love with him for years – legally we were married, so it didn’t matter that my feelings had faded. Was that being honest to myself and God? Was my signature on a piece of paper more binding than the love in my heart? I don’t think so.

I am built to love one person I love with all of my mind, my body and yes, my soul. But I do use sex as a way of showing my affection. How do I un-slut myself? If my first instinct is to jump Bingley and hump him silly, but then successfully deny this overwhelming urge, does that mean I did it? Am I now spiritually in tune with God's plan? I’m not sure that God wants us to discipline ourselves so we deny ourselves what we want. That just sounds like lying. I think he wants us not to want those things to begin with.

Such a hard lesson to learn and not sure I am capable of it. I would love to just love everybody and not think bad thoughts about people. Just because I don’t say it out loud, doesn’t mean that I don’t harbor hate in my heart. How do I work on this? How do I change my initial instinct to sin?

I accept that I am who I am. I need to be myself… not some person that suppresses their impulses thinking I’m being Christ-like. I am a sinner: I say a lot of bad words, I love sex so much I can‘t wait, and I hate people that abuse the welfare system (e.g., I hate them so much I wish they would all die). I’m starting to feel that way towards the will-work-for-food sign held by bogus homeless people. It’s not Christ-like, I know.

I was praying when I first started sleeping with Bingley I wanted to know that I was still loved and that my choice wasn’t damning. The answer I received was that I was a work in progress. I am working on being better; it’s a lifelong task, and I am closer now than I was. The drive to be better is the key to following through. That’s why when Bingley and I decided to live in sin, we weighed out our options and came to the right conclusion for us. Family and friends suggested that we just ward-hop for six months till we can be married and our sin would magically disappear. But we knew we needed to honor God and His gospel, the gospel we both love. I don’t think we could have lived with ourselves if we kept our sin to ourselves. We needed to fess up and deal with our punishments together.

I was untouched by the church – it seemed that punishment for my sin was unnecessary. My sweet Bingley’s punishment was of excommunication-able proportion. It's a bizarre twist of reality that my lack of punishment and the severity of Bingley's was more of a punishment to myself than I could bear. It hurt me to look at the man I love so deeply and feel wholeheartedly responsible for the loss of his blessings and the comfort he had earned over a lifetime of diligence.

I did feel anger -- not at God but at myself. I couldn’t bring myself to pray and when Bingley would read the scriptures to me I would try so hard not to listen. I felt unworthy and guilty when I felt the Holy Ghost. It was a hard time for me and it was even harder because Bingley was comforting me when I should have had the strength to comfort him.

I struggled to just stop and pray see what happened. I was so scared I wouldn’t get an answer. I laid on my bed in the fetal position, closed my eyes, and just waited till I felt peaceful enough to start. I wasn’t even to the, "I’m thankful for this day," part when I felt that wonderful warmth of love and comfort that moved me to tears. I was uplifted from my bad mood and was no longer afraid. In an instant, I was given the knowledge I needed to move past this dark part of my life. I needed to forgive myself and accept forgiveness from God. I was blessed with the comfort of knowing that even a slut like me could earn genuine acceptance into God's kingdom and that my dream of a temple marriage was still in my grasp. Heavenly Father is truly incredible. He is capable of forgiveness something I feel I am incapable of. If I could learn from his example and just forgive myself I would be that much closer to my goal, but I am a work in progress….

~Jane