I love sex and all that comes along with it. I love how it feeds my soul and clarifies every aspect of my life. It sets everything right for me. I love how closely it connects me to my lover. I love how truly loving the whole act is, and how giving it is when it’s right. I’ve been having sex since I was 16. I was hell-bent on not sleeping with Bingley and wanted to pass this impossible test of not having sex before we were married so badly.
It would have been so much easier if I were a virgin. It seems that I’m incapable of denying myself something I addictively craved. The way I put it into perspective for myself, was that I had been having sex with my ex-husband even though I knew our relationship had unfixable problems and I had been gradually falling out of love with him for years – legally we were married, so it didn’t matter that my feelings had faded. Was that being honest to myself and God? Was my signature on a piece of paper more binding than the love in my heart? I don’t think so.
I am built to love one person I love with all of my mind, my body and yes, my soul. But I do use sex as a way of showing my affection. How do I un-slut myself? If my first instinct is to jump Bingley and hump him silly, but then successfully deny this overwhelming urge, does that mean I did it? Am I now spiritually in tune with God's plan? I’m not sure that God wants us to discipline ourselves so we deny ourselves what we want. That just sounds like lying. I think he wants us not to want those things to begin with.
Such a hard lesson to learn and not sure I am capable of it. I would love to just love everybody and not think bad thoughts about people. Just because I don’t say it out loud, doesn’t mean that I don’t harbor hate in my heart. How do I work on this? How do I change my initial instinct to sin?
I accept that I am who I am. I need to be myself… not some person that suppresses their impulses thinking I’m being Christ-like. I am a sinner: I say a lot of bad words, I love sex so much I can‘t wait, and I hate people that abuse the welfare system (e.g., I hate them so much I wish they would all die). I’m starting to feel that way towards the will-work-for-food sign held by bogus homeless people. It’s not Christ-like, I know.
I was praying when I first started sleeping with Bingley I wanted to know that I was still loved and that my choice wasn’t damning. The answer I received was that I was a work in progress. I am working on being better; it’s a lifelong task, and I am closer now than I was. The drive to be better is the key to following through. That’s why when Bingley and I decided to live in sin, we weighed out our options and came to the right conclusion for us. Family and friends suggested that we just ward-hop for six months till we can be married and our sin would magically disappear. But we knew we needed to honor God and His gospel, the gospel we both love. I don’t think we could have lived with ourselves if we kept our sin to ourselves. We needed to fess up and deal with our punishments together.
I was untouched by the church – it seemed that punishment for my sin was unnecessary. My sweet Bingley’s punishment was of excommunication-able proportion. It's a bizarre twist of reality that my lack of punishment and the severity of Bingley's was more of a punishment to myself than I could bear. It hurt me to look at the man I love so deeply and feel wholeheartedly responsible for the loss of his blessings and the comfort he had earned over a lifetime of diligence.
I did feel anger -- not at God but at myself. I couldn’t bring myself to pray and when Bingley would read the scriptures to me I would try so hard not to listen. I felt unworthy and guilty when I felt the Holy Ghost. It was a hard time for me and it was even harder because Bingley was comforting me when I should have had the strength to comfort him.
I struggled to just stop and pray see what happened. I was so scared I wouldn’t get an answer. I laid on my bed in the fetal position, closed my eyes, and just waited till I felt peaceful enough to start. I wasn’t even to the, "I’m thankful for this day," part when I felt that wonderful warmth of love and comfort that moved me to tears. I was uplifted from my bad mood and was no longer afraid. In an instant, I was given the knowledge I needed to move past this dark part of my life. I needed to forgive myself and accept forgiveness from God. I was blessed with the comfort of knowing that even a slut like me could earn genuine acceptance into God's kingdom and that my dream of a temple marriage was still in my grasp. Heavenly Father is truly incredible. He is capable of forgiveness something I feel I am incapable of. If I could learn from his example and just forgive myself I would be that much closer to my goal, but I am a work in progress….
~Jane
No comments:
Post a Comment