Left Behind

Letting myself
accept that I had fallen in love with Bingley was a breath of fresh air I
delightfully inhaled with ease. I knew the hard part would be breaking the news
to my spouse and to my family. If I could have controlled my emotions somehow, I
could have avoided all of the broken hearts and turbulence that the divorces and
remarriage will unavoidably cause everyone involved.

…But is that
fair? Should I lie about my feelings to keep the peace? Should I stay in an
unhappy life because I have already invested half of my life in it?

This situation
is something I had never considered could happen to me – and quite frankly, I’m
not built for it. If I didn’t have the comfort from the Holy Ghost, I could have
never done it. I would rather wallow in silent unhappiness so I could spare
others (and myself) the turmoil inflicted by me voicing my needs. I have always
been this way – I put myself second or third and never let anyone know that I
was suffering.

I can see how my
actions were a shock to everyone. I needed to be with Bingley and I came to the
understanding that there would never be a good time to leave my old life. I was
fixated on timing it just right, being fair, and I wanted my ex to be taken care
of. I also wanted to save my ex from himself. He is the type of guy to fly off
the handle and do disturbingly dumb and reckless things to hurt people, not
realizing he is only hurting himself. I had to push all of those thoughts aside.
The fear I felt was imprisoning my desire to take action.

I wonder how
many people stay in unhealthy situations because they are terrified about what
their spouse will do to them? It’s sick, and it helped me realize that if my
husband was going to do everything in his power to hurt me, then he is probably
someone I don‘t need in my life. He is so that guy. I prayed and asked
God to give me the strength and support to help me navigate this surprising new
path I could almost see. The answer I received was DON'T LOOK BACK. This
answer gave me all the tools I needed to follow my path with crystal clarity.

My ex did as I
predicted, making several pathetic attempts at trying to hurt me; but the
freedom I felt, knowing he wasn’t going to be able to do this to me for long,
was thrilling. He knew he had lost all emotional power over me so he moved to
plan B – he used my things to control me. All of my keepsakes and possessions I
had worked for and earned over my lifetime were being used as a way to inflict
control and pain. He even tried to take back gifts we had given my family in
good faith. Deeming what I could have and what I could not was a ridiculous
abuse of power that instantly dissolved when I let him know that I wanted
absolutely nothing. It was the only way to make it clear to my ex that he had no
more power over me.

I have
completely started over and I have to say it’s such a blessing to be free from
all that useless, material stuff I used to fill my time. I didn’t really
know how truly unhappy I was until I broke free from all of the gadgets I used
to conceal and distract myself from my discontent. I didn’t know it was giving
me the illusion of happiness. Now there is this constant undertone of true
happiness I feel, which makes life easier to breathe in. It’s a blessing I wish
everyone could experience. There is never a convenient time to change the bad in
your life. Don’t let fear and loss of your things keep you from happiness. Find
the strength to choose now and NEVER LOOK BACK!