It’s not surprising that when you break some glass – or some hearts –
that there would be a mess. It’s certainly true in my case.
The problem stems from our former spouses not quite understanding that
we could actually step away from the marriage. It’s silly, but though
they had to wonder why marriage should be so unfulfilling in so many
ways, our spouses were floored with surprise. I’ll limit my discussion
to my own spouse, of course.
My wife and I were married for 12 years. I spent the last 5 years
seriously contemplating divorce (and we can talk about the stages of
such contemplation in another posting). I asked for divorce shortly
after I started seriously considering it, and decided to give things
one more try (like the bad 80s song by Timmy T). At that time, my
spouse asked me if I there was no reviving our marriage. I’m not one
to try to hurt anyone’s feelings, so I said no. And in the end, that
answer proved my inability to leave when I should have ended it when I
had the chance.
My spouse’s reaction to the prospect of divorce at that time was to
begin investigating my sins. She started inspecting phone bills, and
looked through every subdirectory on my laptop. She found dirt,
evidence of my nonsensical acting out in a broken marriage, and began
figuratively beating me over the head with that knowledge. All it did
was make me feel guilty, not more love for her.
A few years later, when I committed to divorce and immediately
committed to a life of happiness with the woman of my dreams, the
spouse I was leaving behind was hurt. Of course, I was too chicken to
tell her about “the other woman” (Jane is the other woman) when I told
her I was committing to divorce – my mistake, because within a few
days she found out anyway. Then came her stages of dealing with it:
- She started by asking me to restate my reasons for divorce – not
really comprehending I was leaving. She said on multiple occasions she
wanted me back – even after finding out about Jane. At every possible
juncture, she tells me I’m just being selfish, that all my reasons for
divorce are stupid, and that what I want is impossible to find
(stepping outside this story, Jane is everything I want, and she just
got a kiss for it).
- She began accusing me of leaving the children, and leaving “us”
(meaning her and the children). It was impossible to convince her that
I was leaving the marriage and still very much involved with the
children.
- She began talking to members of my family more than she ever had
previously, with attempts to get information about me, or things I had
said. More words she could use to berate me, and berate me she did.
- She cut me off from any dollars, and had to spend every cent of my
paycheck. Any money I wanted for food or gas was me, “stealing from
our children.”
- She began talking to any sympathetic members of Jane’s family, and
would feed information (some true, some false) about me to them, in an
attempt to strip Jane from me. (But Jane loves her Bingley as much as
Bingley loves his Jane, so that didn’t work.)
o This one deserves special mention. The main goal she seems hell-bent
on achieving, evinced by this specific reaction, is to force me to
stay in the marriage. Here is where the saying “It’s cheaper to keep
her” come from. I liken this one to servitude and/or slavery. Spouses
like the one I’m leaving seem to have come to grips with the idea that
they can keep the spouse and ignore the hostility forever. I would go
absolutely insane.
- She forced me to tell our children that “Daddy is leaving mommy for
another woman.” Our oldest is 10. And because I didn’t break our
children’s heart enough, she stated it more bluntly after I was gone.
- She refused to get a job, even though she will only get a certain
amount of money after the divorce. It’s sort of a, “I won’t help
myself because you’re leaving me,” mentality I cannot comprehend.
- She made up stories about speaking to my friends and family, with a
perfectly straight face telling me about how terrible of a person they
agreed that I am. I stupidly felt stabbed in the back, because I soon
learned the knife was made of air. She had been lying! She was never a
liar before!
To segue off of the last point, and some of the prior ones: what
exactly does dirt-digging and mud-slinging fix or prove in a broken
relationship? It won’t make someone love you again, or love you more.
It won’t fix anything that’s broken. All it does is build walls and
destroy good feelings. In my case, the mudslinging and browbeating
only served to bond Bingley to his Jane in ways that glue cannot
achieve. I love my Jane.
I know that my decision to divorce left my ex feeling betrayed and
abandoned. She grew too comfortable with my presence and frankly
stopped working to keep me by refusing to work on the relationship.
She did try some things, but it was far, far into the marriage when I
had already emotionally withdrawn. The truth is, divorce brings out
the worst in some people. And helps us see the worst in our soon-to-be
ex-spouses, especially when we have put blinders on vis-à-vis those
flaws.
@))>---- Bingley ----<((@
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