love with Bingley. Being Mormon made me feel that the only option I had was to
work on my marriage indefinitely, with the hopes that I would eventually be
rewarded. Eventually I was -- my reward just wasn’t what I thought it would be.
I figured my husband would learn from my example and, over time, gain a
testimony in all things I hold sacredly dear. I was wrong; the reward I was
gifted was the pure joy of realizing I had done exactly what God wanted me to
do. It gave me such peace to receive the revelation that I had moved past the
ability to overlook all of my husband's selfish choices which he concealed with
convincing dishonesty. I was rewarded with the comfort I needed to follow my
feelings that were guiding me in a direction my head would have never taken me.
I was led by my faith and the slim chance of a life with someone who was equally
deserving of love.
I hadn’t seen Bingley in over 18 years. I figured it
would probably be a good idea to meet. I had already come to terms with my
reasons for my divorce, and if things didn’t work out with Bingley I would still
be getting one. Mustering up the courage to see Bingley face to face was a
challenge. I tried not to think about it and took the stresses as they came. I
was happy he was coming to me. I don’t think I could have handled the ride down
the escalators lowering me to ground level as if I were on display for an
un-obvious critique. I wanted to see him first.
I showed up to the
carriage terminal about 30 minutes early feeling all of the usual nerves. My
allergies were acting up so I ran to the bathroom to wipe my nose and make sure
it wasn’t red -- I figured since I was there, I should go. As I shut the door I
could see a long line of chamber pots along the wall I was facing, each one
occupied by men of every color.
I HAD ACCIDENTALLY WALKED INTO THE MEN'S
ROOM!!!!! My heart stopped. I was humiliated; this kind of thing always happens
to me whenever I am overly stressed or preoccupied. I could hear a father
teaching his young son how to pee standing up. I thought I was going to faint.
After the longest 3 minutes of my existence, I pretended to compose myself and
walked out of the stall to the open exit saying in a humbled giggle “So sorry, I
walked into the wrong room.” I knew my face was red by looking at my lobster-red
arms.
I walked quickly over to the arrival screen and it said that
Bingley’s carriage had arrived. I was overcome with equal parts of fear and
excitement. I could see people from his carriage walking down the far escalator,
so I walked towards them searching the crowds of people hoping to lock eyes with
my Love. No luck; I didn’t see him. I thought just for a second that there was a
mix-up, so I walked back to the first escalator. Looking up shyly I could see in
his face that he had just seen me too. His face full of sweet joy and happiness
walking comfortingly to me with half open arms. My heart was full of love and
completely sure that this was the man I have needed my entire life.
Have
you ever put together a puzzle? Let’s pretend that a puzzle is a metaphor for
your life. Each of the pieces represents a choice that must fit your individual
pattern to complete your life’s picture. When you start a puzzle, you get the
easy stuff out of the way first -- the things you don’t have much choice in
(like family) that could be the right corner piece of your puzzle. The left
corner piece could be your religion and so on. Finishing the edges of your
puzzle is just the beginning filling it in is the challenging part it’s trickier
harder to make out what piece goes where. Have you ever found a piece to a
puzzle that the shape and pattern that, although a little uneven, just about
lines up? You wiggle this puzzle piece with light force and somehow it slips
into place. You don’t question if the piece belongs there as far as you know
everything is coming along fine. Over time more pieces of the puzzle find their
home and the picture of your life gets clearer. It becomes very clear that the
uneven puzzle piece doesn’t fit. For me that puzzle piece that I had to force
into place was my marriage. It just didn’t fit. When I walked into Bingley’s
welcoming arms I knew with all of my heart that I had found the missing piece to
my puzzle. He fit perfectly.
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